Wednesday, 27 August 2014

Wandering and Dreaming

I always feel close to my Mum when I'm wandering and dreaming. I don't know why. We scattered my Mum's ashes at Lake Windermere so of course I feel closest to her there because she loved it and she specifically asked us to scatter her ashes there. That makes it even more special.

But being out in the countryside with the dogs makes me feel that she is near, almost as though I could have a conversation with her. Even if I'm thinking about something else - I often find a walk helps me to clear my mind and see a problem from a different angle - it's as though she's walking along next to me, listening to my ramblings. Perhaps with a wry little smile

She loved the countryside you see, dogs too, and I often think that she would love the life I have now. My home, my dogs, the countryside, the chickens ... all of it. And Forrest of course, that goes without saying. It is unfair beyond words that she never got to meet her grandchildren. But sometimes when I'm doing something I know she would have enjoyed, it's almost as though I'm doing it for her. As if I'm experiencing it on her behalf 

Last week I took the dogs to the vet for their annual vaccinations and stopped for a walk on the way there. I went to a beautiful spot where I used to ride my horse years ago, it has a really beautiful valley which I used to explore as a kid on my pony too. My Mum had never been there - I feel like she has but I've just had a good think about it and she can't have been. But again, she has felt close to me there

I used to spend hours upon hours out riding and get home after settling my horse, tired, aching, hungry but brimming over with happiness. My mum would sit me down at the kitchen table with my heated-up dinner and listen as I regaled her with tales of where I'd been, what I'd seen, where I'd had a gallop and how Toby had been startled when a magpie popped out of the hedge in front of him and pretended he was going to bolt and we'd laugh because Toby would never do such a thing

My Mum wasn't a confident rider but I think if she had been, we would have ridden together an awful lot. I think that back then, she lived vicariously through me when it came to riding and perhaps that's why I feel that she lives through me now. Whenever I see a beautiful view, a bird close up, a country house, a pretty wildflower - I always think of her

What do you do to feel close to loved ones you've lost?


  1. This is beautiful Rachael and is it ok to say uplifting? It really is.
    We lost all of my inlaws (mum/dad/siblings) in the space of about 18 months and for the longest time our little family just didn't talk about them. At all. It was just too painful. But lately they're creeping back into conversations, photos are being dusted off and revisited and we often find things that one of them would like or mannerisms that crop up in my husband or step-daughters that remind us and make us laugh which is absolutely the best way to remember them.
    You clearly knew your mum inside and out and for that reason she'll always be close by in all the things you do - riding, parenting, sitting down with a cup of tea.
    Thanks for sharing.
    M x

  2. Beautifully written and beautiful photos Rachael. I don't know what more I can add that will do this post justice, but thank you for sharing. xo

  3. This is such a lovely post. I lost my mum two years ago and although she lived in Scotland I actually feel closest to her when I go London. Every summer when I was a child we went down to Kent to stay with relatives and she would always take me for a couple of day trips to London. Sometimes I like to take a trip down their by myself and just go to some of the places we have been together. Thanks for sharing x

  4. This is a deeply touching post and it made me think of my grandmother and the way little things bring her back. I can't imagine what it is like to lose a parent but I am glad that you are able to find the comfort of her presence in special places xx

  5. This is a beautiful, very well written post. I think you're right when you say that your mum would have enjoyed the life you are living currently. I too feel very close to lost loved ones when I'm wondering about through the country. A very touching post x

  6. That post is beautiful. I feel closest to my loved ones at their graves because I like to imagine them physically there with me :)

    Lizzie's Daily Blog


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...